The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
You Might Also Like
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.