(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
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It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.