[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
You Might Also Like
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Goodnight 🐶
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?