My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
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I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.