This rocks
You Might Also Like
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Awesome parenting 😂
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them