do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
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Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE