i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
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What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Whisper out to librarians!
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job