#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
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twitter is a journey
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.