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I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
😂 amazing answer
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.