If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.