Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
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I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I’m having an out of money experience.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
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If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.