THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
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Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Krampus.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.