(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
You Might Also Like
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me