Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
lmao