me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Breaking news:
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado