KFC hitting the cannibal market
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I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion