Sweet. Free refrigerators!
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I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
TODAY
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.