white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Was it something I said?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls