Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
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Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.