1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
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I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.