I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
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I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
we’re dead?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander