I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
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Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”