Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
You Might Also Like
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what