Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
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*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?