Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
You Might Also Like
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring