Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
You Might Also Like
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
everyone’s a critic
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”