Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
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Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.