People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
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The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus