Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
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Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast