A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
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When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I cannot stop laughing at this
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him