Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
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Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″