We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
He’s dead
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.