Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
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“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.