Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
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Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.