I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
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I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*