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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I’m being attacked 😭
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.