when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Ethan isn鈥檛 playing around this semester
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner鈥檚 live laugh love decals
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don鈥檛 remember buying any. Also, I don鈥檛 have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Me: 馃幎 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”馃幎
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 馃幎 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”馃幎
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
An app that tells you if there鈥檚 anyone at the grocery store you鈥檒l have to make small talk with.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn鈥檛 make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they鈥檒l take off from airporks.