Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
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Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady