<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
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I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
dam girl
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.