Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
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Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My beach vacation Google searches
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
This meal prepping shit easy
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014