Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
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everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
How does one answer this?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT