I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
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Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.