Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
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I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Autocarrot sucks!
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.