I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
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Funny women are smart. Be careful.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Hey! This isn’t my car!
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.