[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
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my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.