[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
You Might Also Like
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine