50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
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My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
PER MY LAST EMAIL
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar