When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
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I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
*sewing*
A thread
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.