what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
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No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
This is what makes twitter great
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Generation gap…
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
meow
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute