Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
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*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.